And so it begins (or ends, as it were)...

     Well, where to start...the beginning of any endeavor is always the hardest, whether it's getting the first words of a giant term paper down so that it's no longer a blank page looming over you, or whether it's making the flight reservation to go on a trip you've always wanted to go on but could never justify, or in my case, starting life over as an unattached (I refuse to use the term "single") person after many, many years of couple-hood and cohabitation with several long-term boyfriends, pretty much one right after another.
     If I'm guilty of anything, it's wanting to love someone so badly that I will go way (I mean, WAAAY) out of my way to do so, even when doing it is not in my own best interest. Man, now that I see it written down like that, I guess I don't feel guilty so much as embarrassed that I do it. It's not like there's necessarily anything wrong with wanting to give love, but when you're like me, the compulsion to give is rooted in the overwhelming desire to BE loved. The two are inextricable. When you're like me, you always think to yourself, "Things might not be perfect, but if I just show him that I'm here for him and that I love him no matter what, maybe he'll realize what a great girl he has. Maybe, just maybe, he'll suddenly see that he's been taking me for granted all along, and he'll gather me up into his arms, look deeply into my eyes with a combination of awe and raw emotion, and profess his undying love and loyalty to me." But unfortunately when you're actually me, what happens is that you get unceremoniously dumped without so much as an explanation as to why. (Unless you consider "It's just not the right fit" to be an explanation.)
     So yeah...that's pretty much it in a nutshell. Four years of my life, wasted on trying to love someone who wasn't going to love me, no matter what I did, said, or gave to him. Am I a little bitter? No.....I'm a LOT bitter. Do I think it's for the best? Well, it's kind of hard to give a good opinion of that, considering that I'm currently writing this from my bedroom (much smaller than my old one) in an apartment (which doesn't feel at all like home) in a city full of people whom I know (but all have lives and partners of their own who they would rather hang out with). I guess if I had to say anything good about it right now, it's that I don't have to listen to the buzzsaw-like snoring of the ex-boyfriend all goddamn night, and I can actually make dinner at night and have leftovers the next day because there isn't a human trash compactor eating the food I was planning on taking to work for lunch. Small consolation, I know. But at a time like this, I have to grab on to any bit of hope that I can find that things will eventually get better, or I won't stand a chance of getting over it and moving on.
     God, I just read this over and realized how much it totally sucks out loud. Who in their right mind starts a blog with a maudlin, whiny post about a breakup? Talk about stacking the deck against myself. I guess I should have titled this blog Emo-town or something more appropriate to the subject matter at hand. I could have used a background picture of a person slitting their wrists too, just to put the metaphorical cherry on top of this sundae of sadness. Mmmmm.....sundaes. Now I want ice cream. But to keep with the theme, I'll make sure to eat it with a razor blade....it's what the sad clowns of the world would want. And believe you me, you don't want to fuck around with sad clowns. They will fuck your shit up.

     Oh, by the way, I am totally planning on writing funnier stuff- really I am. You'll just have to give me some time to warm up and really get going. Once I do though, look out- it's gonna be all dick jokes and fart jokes and.......well, dick and fart jokes, mostly. But it will be funny! (Hopefully.)

    Wait, where are you going? Please come back- I promise, I can make it work! Don't walk away- I love you! You're my everything!! Hey, I said DON'T walk away, asshole. Fine then, fuck you. Me and the sad clowns are gonna eat ice cream with razors and you're not invited! Yeah, that's right, we don't need you anyway....eat a dick, fucker....

(cuts lip on razor blade) Aww, fuck....who put strawberry sauce in my sundae? I hate strawberry sauce.... (cries) Fuck you clowns. You guys suck. This is why everybody hates you, you know...

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