Careless Whisper: Part 1

                                                "To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind
                                                         There's no comfort in the truth
                                                               Pain is all you'll find"

     
     Engaged.

      ENGAGED. That fucking stupid word. Dean had said it in his head so many times that it didn't even sound like a real word anymore. Not that it had lost any meaning, because it still hurt just as much the 300th time he heard it as it did the first time, when it fell from Seth's lips and shattered him into a million pieces.

     "Awesome, man. That's...awesome. I'm really happy for you guys," he had replied as Seth pulled him in for a hug. Fortunately he didn't see the tears welling up in Dean's eyes as they embraced, but he did hear him suddenly start to sniffle, and he pulled back, looking at Dean with concern.

     "What's the matter? You got allergies or something?" Seth asked as Dean tried to look anywhere else but into those beautiful brown eyes. "Nah, man....I mean, yeah...it's just allergies. Stupid fucking pollen," Dean answered hastily, changing his direction mid-stream. He knew this wasn't the time or the place to discuss it. He sniffed again, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his jacket. "Hey, I uh, I gotta go...work out, so I'll catch you around later, ok?" he said, eyes trailing down to the ground as he turned and walked quickly away, tears starting to spill down his cheeks as he made his escape.

     He hadn't realized just how much it was going to hurt, though. It sat in his chest, the pain so strong and so real it had him wondering if he was about to have a coronary right then and there. Oh yeah, that would be fitting, Dean thought to himself, to die up here all alone on top of a hotel, surrounded by empty beer cans. Nobody would ever guess that it wasn't the booze or the lifestyle that killed me...

     Dean reached down and shoved his hand into the 12-pack of beer sitting next to him, rummaging around until he found another unopened can. Jesus, did I drink that many already? He looked at the time on his phone, ignoring the multiple text messages and missed calls. It was late enough that it was technically early, but the sky was still dark, the churning clouds mirroring his mood. Sighing heavily, he stuffed the phone back into his pocket and cracked open the beer, looking out into the distance.

     Why did he have to show up in the first place if he was just going to leave again? he asked himself once more, even though he still didn't know the answer. Why did you have to put him in my path and have us crash together, if only to turn around and tear us apart? He knew he was probably being overly dramatic, but the alcohol wasn't exactly helping him to lighten his thoughts.

      Dean looked up into the ether, his face a mix of pain, anger and confusion. He bit hard into his bottom lip, trying to hold everything in, but he had reached a point of full saturation. It was going to come out, regardless of whether he wanted it to or not. He chugged the entire beer in his hand and then angrily hurled the spent can out over the edge of the building's roof, then jumped up onto his feet and stood on the ledge, the toes of his boots extending a couple of inches beyond it. Nobody would stop him. Nobody even knew he was up here.

     But if he ended up down there, they would know. They'd all know, and Seth would definitely know, and Dean knew he couldn't do that to him. It wasn't Seth's fault he couldn't deal with it anyway. He wasn't the one who put the longing in Dean's heart, he just happened to be the one who brought it out. He couldn't help being the sweet, dorky, beautiful soul that he was any more than Dean could help loving him. Like a fucking idiot, he thought, berating himself in his mind. As the feelings came rushing up again, Dean groaned and hunched over, hands clutching his stomach as a wave of nausea overtook him.

He spun around, only making it a few steps before retching and spewing out the majority of the beer he had already drank, coughing and gasping for air as he fell weakly onto his hands and knees. Once he was empty, he sat back on his heels and let out a loud, pained cry, the sound ripping from his throat, dissolving into raw sobbing. He hated himself for not being able to keep from feeling this way, but on some level he felt like he deserved it. This was exactly what he knew was going to happen anyway.

You knew he was too good for you from the beginning. You KNEW he was never going to be yours, but you lied to yourself. You chose to delude yourself. YOU did this to yourself. 

Dean's eyesight began to blur, his mind going hazy as he slumped over onto his side, the sound of the building's ventilation system wrapping cozily around him like a comforting blanket as he curled into the fetal position and lost consciousness.