Poetry Corner (Rapture Edition)

This is one of my favorite poems, and it's also one that I know by heart. Hopefully, if the world does end, I hope it goes out in one of these two ways. I know the Rapture isn't supposed to be the big finale, but all the hubbub about it lately has got me in a cataclysmic state of mind, and this poem has been stuck on repeat in my head for the last few days. Well, that and Tool's Aenema. What a friggin' awesome song. Amyway, yeah, I like this poem. Hopefully you will too...

Fire and Ice


Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.


- Robert Frost

The Apathy Coalition- Join us. Or don't. Whatever.

     Heyyyyy, what's happening? Oh my God, I haven't seen you in like, forever! Wow, that's so random how we just ran into each other! Hey, I was just on my way home after work, and I know I we haven't talked in a while, why don't we catch up? You busy right now? We could go grab a beer someplace...ok cool, let's go!

(3 hours later)

     Hehe....sorry about that- I guess I should have mentioned that I can only drink gluten-free beer, and apparently none of the 32 other bars we went to before this one had any, so yeah...I'm a dick, I know.
Anyhoo, how have you been? You look great, have you lost weight? Yeah, and the family, they're doing good? Awesome.  It's great to see you, really. I miss hanging out and talking with you- we should really get together more often...
Oh, me? I'm doing alright, I guess.Yeah, just alright, not great. Well, it's kind of funny, but I guess I've just kinda stopped giving a shit about anything lately. Nah, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I guess you could say I've been struck with a serious case of terminal apathy. I just really don't care much about anything that is going on anywhere at all. Why? Well, for one thing, I've come to the realization in the last few months that I am in all likelihood never going to procreate or even get married for that matter. And you know, the funny thing is, I've been saying that all my life anyway, but it was different when I assumed that I would have ample opportunity to do both in my life. Now, I'm 37, I've been in several long-term relationships and never once have I been anywhere close to being proposed to, I pretty much wasted all my good childbearing years dating a bunch of losers, and I don't think I'd be cut out for motherhood anyway. So that leaves me sitting here thinking, "what now"? What the hell is the point anymore?
*sighs* Yeah, I know, I know- I'm not THAT old, but I swear something happened to me when I had this epiphany. Even if I did have the chance to do those things now, I wouldn't be able to look at it in the same way. I'm like, uber-jaded or something...
     What? (takes slug off beer) It is SO a word! Yes it is! Shut up and order me another one, willya? Thanks man. You know, you're just sooo awesome to talk to. It's like, we get each other. It's sooo cool. I like you... (stares dreamily at bar coaster)
    *snaps fingers* Oh, yeah, so as I was saying, I just can't bring myself to give a shit. And it's not just about getting married and having kids, either, although I gotta say, once you realize that those two things are the things that drive probably 99% of people to do what they do in life, and then you realize that you're not one of those people, well, you kinda feel like you're playing soccer on a baseball field. It's a whole different ball game, and there are no goals. So it's just you, running around in circles and wearing yourself out. In other word- wait, what? Hahaha, you KNOW that was the best metaphor ever, don't even lie! You loved it, c'mon, you had to know that I would bust out the good cheese for you, right? 'Cuz you're my freeeiiiinndddd!!! haha.....*snort*
Ohmygod, I can't believe I just did that! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
(5 minute laughing spell)
hahaha......ahaha.....haha......ha.......(wipes tears away)......hooooooo......that was so not appropriate, I know.

(to bartender)
Hey, uh, sorry about clearing the place out like that- who knew people would have a problem with a person laughing maniacally and crying at the same time? Don't worry, I'll tip good, I promise!

(Turns back around)
So anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, you were about to get me another beerski, amirite? Yeah, that's right, that's the stuff- this shit may be gluten-free, but it sure ain't alcohol free, know what I'm sayin'? Mehehehe. (sways gently on barstool)

Yup. So I just decided that I wasn't gonna care about those things anymore, you know? But the problem is, how am I supposed to live my life if I don't know what to do? I know it probably sounds ridiculous, seeing as how most people dream of being able to live their lives with no major responsibilities other than taking care of themselves, but it's also scary as shit because you're like, winging it all the time.
     And then, this is where the apathy comes into play, because I realized that with no one else to worry about, things don't really seem to matter that much at all anymore. I mean, when you get right down to it, none of it really matters. It starts to feel like you're just biding your time until you die, and lemme tell you, that's not a thought you wanna have right before going to bed at night. Seriously, there isn't even anything worth fighting for anymore. Besides, even if you do decide to stand for something and want to fight for a cause, the world is so corrupt and politics are so totally fucked nowadays that there is usually no way you can win. It's just an exercise in futility. I mean, do people really think that their stupid Facebook status is going to raise awareness for their pet causes that will really amount to anything? No, they won't. It's just so FUCKING dumb. And not to mention the people bitching about gas- hey, you drive a car, it needs gas to run- just BUY THE FUCKING GAS and shut the fuck up, please! We can't do a single fucking thing about it, so why bother bitching? Aaarrghhh it just pisses me off... *hard sigh*

Whaat?! Sorry, I'll calm down, I just get a little worked up sometimes, even though, as I already said, there's no fucking point in it... why yes, I will have another, thanks for asking!

(pounds 2/3 of beer at once)

*aaaahhhhhh* that's what I'm talking about. Oh man, I'm sorry. I wanted to come here and catch up, not regale you with a drunken diatribe. Well, yeah, I guess you could say I'm not the best drunk. I have what they call...(leans in much too closely)....excesshhhh.....exess.....excessive soshulllubrication syndrome. That means, I get waaayyyy too chatty when I'm drunk, and I usually say very unaa...unaceptible things too. Hehehehe. I said "lubrication". Heheheh. Luuuuuuuube-rication. I love lube. The word, not the....well, actually, I do love lube. Never mind what I just said, that was dumb. (attepmts to hide huge Cheshire Cat grin)

So anyway, I don't wanna talk about me anymore, let's talk about you. Oh, come on, I told you it's not like I'm gonna go jump off a building or anything, sheesh.....honestly, I won't- you know why? Because it would be too much work, and I also don't want to make my family all sad and shit. They've had enough problems. I wouldn't do that to them. Plus, I've always had the belief that if a person wants to commit suicide, they should have to break their own neck. You know, like how in the movies the karate guy always sneaks up behind some guard or something and snaps his neck? Yeah, like that, only they'd have to do it to themselves. That way, it would automatically cut out all the sad emo dicks who threaten to kill themselves as a cry for attention. The way I look at it is, suicide is about the most cowardly thing a person can do, so why not make the act of killing one's self at least a little bit more respectable by making it something that takes some serious balls to do? Right? Come on, don't laugh- I'm being dead serious! Alright, whatever- laugh it up now, but someday you'll appreciate the simple beauty of that theory....and THEN who'll be laughing??
     No, I have no idea what that meant, but it sounded good when it was in my head.....mahahahaha. So yeah, we should totally go someplace else- this bar is boring. Whaaat? You have to go, seriously? Aww mannnnn, it wasn't something I said, was it? Are you sure? Look, I didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but well, you asked, so....
     No, that's ok, I appreciate it. And don't worry, I will definitely keep in touch. Like I said, I miss talking with you, and we should deeeeeeeeeefinitely do thishh again. I'm sorry for going off on a tangent, but it's just tough trying to figure out what's important when the things you thought were important aren't important anymore, you know? You know?? (tries and fails repeatedly to put arm through hole in jacket sleeve)
    Hey, it was good seeing you too- tell the family I said hi, and we'll talk again soon, ok? No, don't worry, I'm gonna walk home. Yeah, it's a little bit of a hike, but I'm sure the fresh air will do me good. It's not like I have anywhere to be anyway....ok, see ya...(waves)

(thinks to self) Oh shit, I guess I should have gotten their phone number. I could go after them, but......*sighs yet again*....what's the point?

(staggers out of bar and onto sidewalk)

Delayed Gratification

Tearing, biting at the cage


Frustration fueling fits of rage



A gentle slap, a subtle taunt

Raspy, ragged, growling want



Clutching fingers, pulsing sheath

Feel hot blood flow underneath



Tangled hair locked up in fist

All more reason to resist



Gripping tentacles of greed

Dredging up a latent need



Steady trickle feeds the lake

Conscience burning at the stake



Brandishing the devil's prong

Instinct burning, dark and strong



Holding down the hands of fate

Suck it up, you have to wait.

Glove Love

     So I know I've made some remarks on here regarding some of my weird kinks and/or fetishes that seemingly have arisen out of nowhere, but I have somewhat of a confession to make: that's not entirely true. I mean, yes, some of them come as a surprise even to me- like, sometimes I'll be faced with something out of the ordinary that turns me on immensely, but I'll have no idea why that is, because it's never happened before. But there is one particular thing that I have a "thing" for that comes from a very specific place and time in my life. That thing would be my love for black gloves.
     Now before you go all, "WTF Amy, you are one seriously fucked-up individual", please know that yes, I am, and also that you probably have at least one thing that does it for you too. Something that maybe you saw in a movie when you were probably too young and impressionable to have been seeing it, or something that you heard about from a friend who was telling you in the context of, "Oh, isn't that weird and gross?" while you were secretly thinking to yourself, "I soooo want to do that". Yes, I have a glove fetish. But it's not all-encompassing, mind you. It's not like I'm getting all sweaty over wearing rubber gloves to do the dishes, or scrub toilets or anything, nor am I hyperventilating at the thought of some guy wearing humongous bulky snowmobile mitts. It's a very specific thing, and it can best be split into two categories, of which I will attempt to explain my attractions...

Category A: black nitrile gloves
     Ok, so first, allow me to demonstrate-

Uuuunnnhhhhh.....yeah, that's it.  Right there. Ok, this one is relatively easy to explain. Ever since I started getting into tattoos and tattooing, I have been around boxes and boxes of these things. I have seen hands carefully slid inside them, and I've also seen them get split and break by a particularly rough insertion from someone who is impatient and doesn't want to take the time to get them on just so. In my book, there are very few things that will cause me to completely lose my train of thought mid-sentence faster than hearing the snap of these fuckers and seeing them on male hands that lead up to heavily tattooed arms. Add a light coating of Vaseline (used during the tattooing process- a lot of artists will stick a glob of it on the back of a glove so they can pull from it as the work goes along), and goddamn....(fans self with the nearest piece of paper available)...that shit is HOT. These gloves are God's gift to tattooing- now not to downplay the inherent sexiness of the regular white surgical gloves, oh no. Those are sexy, but in a different way. And ladies, if you wanna talk about having inappropriate feelings while having a gynecological exam (and I'm betting you don't)...well, just have a look at this and tell me you wouldn't let him put a gloved hand anywhere he wanted to...

 Yes, Doctor.... (dabs sweat beads from forehead)


And then, of course, we have the other category:

Category B: black leather gloves
 Again, first a demonstration:

      I threw the last picture in not so much because it turns me on, but those are some badass fucking gloves, no? I totally want a pair. Perfect for bitch-slapping, methinks...

     Anyway, yes. Black leather gloves. Now this has another very specific backstory- it all goes back to when I was around 16 or 17, and I had this boyfriend who was always home alone. His parents would go out of town and leave him there by himself, so naturally, we would hang out there a lot. Well, as kids will do, we found his parents' porn stash one night and decided to check some of them out. And as it turns out, his parents were a couple of kinky fucks. Lots of BDSM and rough sex, and not much else. I think there may have been one of those Playboy Playmate of the Year videos which, as anybody who has ever seen one will know, was basically just one long-ass tease. So after watching about 5 seconds of that, we were both like, "Umm, fuck this", and put in one of the other vids.
    The movie we watched was one of those ones with an actual plot, and people with speaking parts (real words, not just fucking noises), and it was about this rich bitch who had this pussy of a husband, and she was verbally belittling him for being such a wuss. So he decided to teach her a lesson by hiring some dude to act as a thief and break into the house while he was gone and scare the crap out of her (funny how in porn movies, there are always a surplus of dudes who are ready and willing to take on such a task, as though all he had to do was look in the Yellow Pages under "Rapists For Hire" or something.."Oh- look honey, this one's licensed AND bonded!").  
     So yeah...anyway, the dude decides to hide in the backseat of the car, which is in the garage, and waits for her to get in the car to go somewhere. And right on cue (imagine that!), she appears and gets in the driver's seat. Then, when she goes to adjust the rear view mirror (who does that while the car is still in the garage?), she sees him. She tries to scream, but before she can cry out, he claps his hand, encased in a perfect black leather glove, over her mouth. She struggles, her moans muffled by his palm, and he sticks two fingers in her mouth, telling her gruffly to shut up.
     Then, as you can well imagine, he proceeds to violate the fuck out of her, all while wearing the black gloves. He fingers her with the gloves on (that's an image I will never get out of my head as long as it's attached to my body), and puts his gloved hands around her neck while railing the shit out of her. Then, when it's time for the money shot, he shoots his load into his gloved palm and wipes it across her dirty slut mouth. (Ok, I added the "dirty slut" part for effect, but I felt it was needed. And it just sounds dirtier.)

                                                           Yeah, take it, bitch...lick it off....


     Anyhow, that's where that fetish comes from. So if you were offended or grossed out by that, then all I can say is, why did you bother to read all the way to this point? I mean, all the potentially offensive stuff is up there. ^^^^ Seems like if it was so horrible, you would have clutched your pearls to your chest and turned away in disgust long ago. But hey, who am I to judge? I can't exactly claim anybody is odd for doing or not doing anything, really.
     So, kids, I guess the moral of this story is, sex and sexuality can mean many different things to many different people. Sometimes it can take the form of black nitrile, other times it can show up as a clown fetish. (And NO, I do not have a clown fetish. Unless you count the wish for mass annihilation of clowns to be a fetish.) The important thing to remember is that at some point you yourself may end up finding out that something out of the ordinary really gets your gears turning, and you won't necessarily know why. But you know what? That's totally ok. Really. It's totally fine to just let yourself be turned on by something that isn't conventionally "sexy"- hell, variety is the spice of life, right? So take those Isotoners that have been packed away since last winter, slap them on some night, and see what develops, You never know what might happen.

I just wouldn't recommend hiding in the back seat of the car, unless you want to get maced or something... 

Poetry Corner

The Evangelist

The devil is rising inside you, rising, rising, rising.
He is going to make you do something true, something
sinister and surprising, something demonic and inviting.
The devil is doing his work through you, He isn't hiding.

You are to burn in the gates of hell: trillions of years,
millenniums, millenniums. Angels are going to mourn for you
in their white, white dresses. Harps will plink sad songs:
you're the one Peter erases: wrong, wrong, very wrong.

The devil is on your back, riding. The devil is on your back,
gliding. The devil is on your back, whispering words, words
that are heard: sinful, succulent, lascivious words, horror
sounds, coming, coming, rising through you, pitchforked

thumping, hurrying, your veins tubes, hurrying, thunder
ooze, tromp, tromp, tromp, the devil is taking you.


-Star Black (2007)

Not-So-Timely Movie Reviews: Jennifer's Body

     Ok, so most of you out there who know me well enough to have ever watched a movie with me probably already know that I am quite possibly the least qualified person in the universe to review movies of any kind, seeing as how I usually have the exact opposite reaction to said movies as what was intended by the people who made them. That being said, I'm sure that anyone who knows me well enough would also know that not being qualified to do something isn't nearly enough of a reason for me to not attempt to do it. It's just not in my nature to care about (makes air quotes) "knowing what I'm talking about", or "making any sense", or "forming coherent thoughts". That would take time that would be better spent just letting things fly right off the top of my head, where they can't be filtered out by my "conscience". Censoring myself in that way would be like the literary equivalent of polishing a turd- it's not gonna make it any more pretty or socially acceptable, and you'll just end up with more of a shitty mess than you started with.

     The funny thing about this whole movie-reviewing concept though, is that I'm not even that big of a movie fan. I never feel like I get my money's worth out of going to the theater- it's getting to the point where if movies get any more expensive, they're gonna have to start including some other form of entertainment in with the deal...

Robot Brain: ORAL SEX

Body: Stop that!! (rolls eyes)

*Ahem*  Sorry about that, folks.

     So, where was I? Oh right, movie reviews. I recently watched "Jennifer's Body" on Netflix, which is fast becoming my go-to movie vehicle of choice. Granted, I don't get to see them the second they come out, but really, who cares? I think having the luxury of being able to watch a movie in bed, possibly with someone else there to share it with...

Robot Brain: ORAL SEX ORAL SEX ORAL SEX

[(says to self) Just ignore it, and it will go away...]

......more than makes up for the fleeting feeling of superiority gained by being able to gloat to your friends about having seen the latest and greatest. And really, nobody cares about that anyway. If you're that guy, chances are your friends think you're a pompous jagoff, and they probably wish you'd fall into a bucket of aids and die. So let that be a lesson to you.

     So- let's try this again: Jennifer's Body, which features the almost extra-terrestrial hotness that is Megan Fox, and to a lesser extent, Amanda Seyfried, is actually a pretty decent movie, although that's probably due in part to the fact that Megan Fox doesn't really have to act, per se. I mean, I guess technically she is, in that she was in front of a camera, supposedly playing the part of a fictional person, but I mean, come on. She plays a ridiculously hot girl who knows she's hot and can therefore get anything or anyone she wants because of it. And when she does speak, it's always some bullshit about how hot she is or how she can say/do/have anything she wants. So pretty much the way she is in real life, in other words. And when she's not "acting", she's often vomiting up some kind of unholy bilious sludge (just like what happens every time she speaks in interviews).
    
     But in spite of all that, it still manages to be a pretty entertaining flick- it's got blood, some gore, demon possession, boy raping, death, the drool-worthy body of Megan Fox, and....oh yeah- GIRL KISSING. As in, hot girls, making out. With each other. Shot VERY close-up. Observe...

 

Awwwww yeeeeaaaaahhhhh.....that's what I'm talkin' about.   Seriously though, the movie plot could just stop right here and devolve (or would it be evolve?) into a straight-up lesbian porn movie, and I wouldn't even care about finding out why she was a demon, or anything else. This 30 seconds or so of movie mastery alone is worth whatever price you may have to pay to see it (my Netflix subscription was my price of admission). I mean really, is there anything better than watching two girls who look like that, kissing? (Remember, this is my opinion here, and if you don't agree, well then you're fucking retarded, because that is not only my opinion, but it also happens to be a FACT.) And for that matter, has there ever been a more perfect movie to turn into a porno? It's already three-quarters of the way there! Just tweak the title to something slightly skankier sounding ("Jennifer's Butthole", perhaps?), throw in some d.p's and an extended all-cheerleader orgy, and we're talking AVN award winner, no problem. I swear, the porn industry people need to be listening to me. This shit is pure gold! Gold, I tell you!!!

**whew**
(straightens shirt, smooths down hair)
Well....ok then.....I may have gotten a little excited there, but you get my point. It's good shit.

    So, in a nutshell, I'd have to give this movie.....hmmm, what should I give it? I don't want to be lame and use the "thumbs up" approach, but I also don't want to rate it based on a star scale, because that's what everybody else does. (drums fingers on desk) Hmmmmmm.......what can I give it??

Robot Brain: GIRLS KISSING GIRLS KISSING GIRLS KISSING

Hey, brain, for once, you've given me a good idea! Go figure!!

I give it two robot thumbs up!

       

    

    

    

    

Just something I happened to notice...

     You know, it's funny how sometimes you can be doing something that you do all the time, and yet for some reason, you suddenly see it differently. Like, some unknown variable causes your perception to shift just so, and then all of a sudden you're not just looking at the same old thing. It happens to people a lot when they're under stress, or meditating, or even in the presence of the majestic and elusive double rainbow (snickers derisively), but for me, it happened recently when I was looking at internet porn (hey, don't judge me motherfuckers, I don't get much excitement from fucking rainbows, okay? Besides, you do it too, don't even try to act like you don't).

     Anyhoo, I was checking out both PornHub and Red Tube, and I noticed something: if you do a search for "threesomes", or some variation of the term, you get almost exclusively clips of girl-guy-girl action. But no guy-girl-guy stuff at all. I'm sorry, but isn't that still a three-way? (counts to self) Yep, I count three people. Huh. Am I the only one that finds that odd?

     But, it's not that those types of videos aren't on there- oh yes, they most certainly are. But you know what search term you have to use? Anyone? (looks for raised hands) Nobody? (sighs) Alright, I'll tell you, but this will be on the test later. Type in "double penetration"- yeah, that's right. That's where the little buggers (ha- pun intended) are hiding out. Yep, apparently somebody thought that the guy-girl-guy threesome doesn't actually exist unless there's double plugging involved. (Ew, did I just say that? God...) I mean, I'm not disputing the fact that the act is separate and distinct from your run-of-the-mill three way, but why not have the non-double-stuff action listed with all the other multiple partner clips, in the interest of fairness and gender equality? I dunno, something about that just doesn't sit right with me. It gets my feminist hackles all bristly.

     So yeah, I didn't really have anything else to say beyond that, but it was just something I noticed and felt needed to be brought to light. Hey, if nobody ever questions these things, then how are they supposed to get changed? How are we, as a society, supposed to move forward and become more liberated if we are still conforming to outdated gender roles? And more importantly, how are we supposed to be able to find the porn we want to see if it's not where we expect it to be? Come on now people, I can't be the only one who's outraged (perhaps that's a bit strong) by this.


........What? Whaddya mean, why was I looking for threeway porn anyway? Um.....nothing....I mean, no reason.......uhhhh....(looks around nervously).....

(shifts around uncomfortably in seat )

Hey, look over there! (points out window) A brontosaurus!!

(runs away)