Not-So-Timely Movie Reviews: Jennifer's Body

     Ok, so most of you out there who know me well enough to have ever watched a movie with me probably already know that I am quite possibly the least qualified person in the universe to review movies of any kind, seeing as how I usually have the exact opposite reaction to said movies as what was intended by the people who made them. That being said, I'm sure that anyone who knows me well enough would also know that not being qualified to do something isn't nearly enough of a reason for me to not attempt to do it. It's just not in my nature to care about (makes air quotes) "knowing what I'm talking about", or "making any sense", or "forming coherent thoughts". That would take time that would be better spent just letting things fly right off the top of my head, where they can't be filtered out by my "conscience". Censoring myself in that way would be like the literary equivalent of polishing a turd- it's not gonna make it any more pretty or socially acceptable, and you'll just end up with more of a shitty mess than you started with.

     The funny thing about this whole movie-reviewing concept though, is that I'm not even that big of a movie fan. I never feel like I get my money's worth out of going to the theater- it's getting to the point where if movies get any more expensive, they're gonna have to start including some other form of entertainment in with the deal...

Robot Brain: ORAL SEX

Body: Stop that!! (rolls eyes)

*Ahem*  Sorry about that, folks.

     So, where was I? Oh right, movie reviews. I recently watched "Jennifer's Body" on Netflix, which is fast becoming my go-to movie vehicle of choice. Granted, I don't get to see them the second they come out, but really, who cares? I think having the luxury of being able to watch a movie in bed, possibly with someone else there to share it with...

Robot Brain: ORAL SEX ORAL SEX ORAL SEX

[(says to self) Just ignore it, and it will go away...]

......more than makes up for the fleeting feeling of superiority gained by being able to gloat to your friends about having seen the latest and greatest. And really, nobody cares about that anyway. If you're that guy, chances are your friends think you're a pompous jagoff, and they probably wish you'd fall into a bucket of aids and die. So let that be a lesson to you.

     So- let's try this again: Jennifer's Body, which features the almost extra-terrestrial hotness that is Megan Fox, and to a lesser extent, Amanda Seyfried, is actually a pretty decent movie, although that's probably due in part to the fact that Megan Fox doesn't really have to act, per se. I mean, I guess technically she is, in that she was in front of a camera, supposedly playing the part of a fictional person, but I mean, come on. She plays a ridiculously hot girl who knows she's hot and can therefore get anything or anyone she wants because of it. And when she does speak, it's always some bullshit about how hot she is or how she can say/do/have anything she wants. So pretty much the way she is in real life, in other words. And when she's not "acting", she's often vomiting up some kind of unholy bilious sludge (just like what happens every time she speaks in interviews).
    
     But in spite of all that, it still manages to be a pretty entertaining flick- it's got blood, some gore, demon possession, boy raping, death, the drool-worthy body of Megan Fox, and....oh yeah- GIRL KISSING. As in, hot girls, making out. With each other. Shot VERY close-up. Observe...

 

Awwwww yeeeeaaaaahhhhh.....that's what I'm talkin' about.   Seriously though, the movie plot could just stop right here and devolve (or would it be evolve?) into a straight-up lesbian porn movie, and I wouldn't even care about finding out why she was a demon, or anything else. This 30 seconds or so of movie mastery alone is worth whatever price you may have to pay to see it (my Netflix subscription was my price of admission). I mean really, is there anything better than watching two girls who look like that, kissing? (Remember, this is my opinion here, and if you don't agree, well then you're fucking retarded, because that is not only my opinion, but it also happens to be a FACT.) And for that matter, has there ever been a more perfect movie to turn into a porno? It's already three-quarters of the way there! Just tweak the title to something slightly skankier sounding ("Jennifer's Butthole", perhaps?), throw in some d.p's and an extended all-cheerleader orgy, and we're talking AVN award winner, no problem. I swear, the porn industry people need to be listening to me. This shit is pure gold! Gold, I tell you!!!

**whew**
(straightens shirt, smooths down hair)
Well....ok then.....I may have gotten a little excited there, but you get my point. It's good shit.

    So, in a nutshell, I'd have to give this movie.....hmmm, what should I give it? I don't want to be lame and use the "thumbs up" approach, but I also don't want to rate it based on a star scale, because that's what everybody else does. (drums fingers on desk) Hmmmmmm.......what can I give it??

Robot Brain: GIRLS KISSING GIRLS KISSING GIRLS KISSING

Hey, brain, for once, you've given me a good idea! Go figure!!

I give it two robot thumbs up!